how to live like a celebrity without actually being one.

by Danielle Kent

Getting famous has never been easier. Let’s face it, one of the most famous people in the United Kingdom is a 24 year-old escort from Leeds who wanted to abort her own child in order to appear on Big Brother. But what if you want a small slice of fame without having to sell your life to an ITV reality show that exploits your weight/boyfriend/tan/dog/choice-of-class-A-drug in minute detail? We think we’ve figured it out: 

1. Devise a rota among your friends to wait for you outside shops with cameras (and for added star power, hide under a piece of stray tarpaulin and exit via the fire escape anyway). 

2. If you can’t afford actual plastic surgery, buy a toilet plunger and suck at your lips until they are at least 50% bigger than the biggest normal size. Then spend the next six weeks denying that you have had anything done. 

3. When someone mentions your boyfriend, laugh nervously and mutter that he’s “just your friend and you’re taking things slow.” “But you got married three years ago? You have two kids?” HE’S JUST MY FRIEND ALRIGHT. 

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4. Gain five stone, go to the beach and have your photo taken running around in your bikini. Once you’ve lost the weight, upload your fat photos to Twitter followed by “I dropped four dress sizes in four days by using this simple meal replacement programme!” then release an exercise DVD. 

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5. Buy a spare phone just for texting your friends that you’re going into rehab for exhaustion/pregnant/going out with Michelle Rodriguez (everyone else is) and then when they ask you about it throw a tantrum and beg for a normal life just like everybody else. 

6. Bring your dog everywhere, because there’s no such thing as ‘no dogs allowed’ when you’re this famous. 

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7. Always take photos of yourself working out.

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Actually, you’re a celeb, get other people to take photos of you working out. 

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8. Also, take photos of half of your face with your eye wide open like the last thing you expected was to take a photo of yourself. Then take a photo with your cheeks sucked in as much as you physically can. Then take a photo of yourself in a yoga position from behind. Then photoshop them all anyway so you’re considerably thinner, more tanned and blemish free. Basically, do anything you can to make the photo look absolutely nothing like how you actually look. 

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9. Wear sunglasses. Even if you’re inside, at night time, in the middle of a storm. Don’t let the mortals see your bare eyes. 

10. If all else fails, play the trump card of releasing your 2009 sex tape. Remember to advertise it as much as possible by taking to Facebook, Twitter, Piers Morgan’s Life Stories, explaining how it has ruined your life (despite the £1m you earned from selling it and all of the lucrative sponsorship deals you had as a result of your genius marketing). 

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