by Danielle Kent
The headline screamed out at me from the racks of magazines. Finally, a diet that would guarantee that I would lose 3-4 pounds a week without ever having to compromise on what I wanted to eat. Surely this is a dream come true? I’m the first to admit that if saturated fat and refined carbohydrates became extinct I would be more than happy to sit through McDonald’s a day, but I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is an unlikely situation and therefore sought out other options of keeping my BMI down. Until now. The double-page spread was awash with phenomenal food options and miracle strategies that would give me the body of my dreams. Of course, I would feel too bad about retaining thing information for my eyes only, so here it is, the diet that everyone is talking about …
‘Large slice of chocolate cake (312 cals) SWAP FOR one small apple (102 cals)’
‘Cheese and pasta bake (599 cals) SWAP FOR celery sticks with tzatziki (50 cals)’
’12 inch meat feast pizza (1235 cals) SWAP FOR cheese Snack-a-Jacks (38 cals)’
‘Full fat Coca-Cola (112 cals) SWAP FOR water (0 cals)’
‘Fat people skip breakfast.’ I am actually a big supporter of eating breakfast, however I’m glad it has been brought to my attention that if you eat breakfast you will be thin because now I’m so excited about eating my cheese and baked bean toastie for breakfast, leftover takeaway at 11am, spaghetti Bolognese for dinner, a packet of biscuits at 2pm, fajitas for tea, a whole cheesecake for pudding and then a late-night McDonalds run in case I’m still peckish (because as long as I eat breakfast it doesn’t matter).
‘Drinking water makes you lose weight.’ Read above paragraph and add eight glasses of water at regular intervals.
‘Use a toning lotion to help define abs.’ Yes! Now even when I’m thirty six stone I will still be able to achieve a six-pack as long as I apply moisturiser to my stomach every morning and night.
‘If you want to eat a big bowl of pasta, eat some!’ Well, now I feel stupid, because I’ve been sitting here for the past few weeks pining for a chicken tikka jalfreizi when I could have eaten one all along! Apparently you shouldn’t deprive yourself, so I will bare this in mind tomorrow when I’m choosing between eating a raisin or an entire birthday cake.
And suddenly it all seems clear. I feel enlightened. All this time, people across the world have been struggling to stick to low-fat, low-carb fad diets, intense work-out regimes and resorting to cosmetic surgery when all along WHO KNEW that a Snack-a-Jack was IDENTICAL to a 12 inch pepperoni pizza … BUT WITH 1200 LESS CALORIES! So please, spread the word and watch as gyms internationally go into administration and Holland & Barrett are forced to discontinue their range of diet supplements. Throw out your diet cookbooks and eat as much of these ‘identical’ junk food supplements are your heart desires. See you all when we all look like Bar Rafaeli!