by Sian Siviter
I’m not the best at anything really. I’m averagely nice looking providing I’ve slept well and put on something half decent, I get average grades, I suck at group games unless I’m cheating but in everything I do I generally put in 110% effort. I don’t mind being poor at something, but I will thrive to better myself. I will push myself to do the best I can. So yes I was 19 when I lost my virginity, a trembling nervous wreck of self-conscious satin and lace, and nine months later with the same person, I know I have progressed somewhat from that bundle of nerves and closed off exterior. Even so, I am not satisfied with just letting myself be however I am, with just ‘going with it.’ I wouldn’t slap some mascara on half-heartedly and be happy with it. If I’m doing it, I’m doing it well.
I hate the word ‘comfortable’. I think it’s so utterly lazy. Comfortable to me is tickle fights in pajamas on a late Sunday morning, not hiding anything of yourself, and being honest regarding everything – even the hard things. Comfortable is not going several months without shaving one’s legs, or being bored during sex. Opinions differ but that to me is the sign of a sinking ship.
So my point: I want to learn, I want to explore and develop and experience the whole package, not just the wrapping. I am not a child, I do not believe in fairy tales and I most certainly don’t have any Disney princess ideals anymore, that side of me was destroyed and I will forever be prepared to handle the end, but for now, for the moment we live in I want to give 110% effort. I read, I research, I practice on my own and I will demand the odd piece of feedback. I don’t care about his past because to do so is illogical, I don’t care if he’s done the dirty with half of England or none of it, and the same goes to anyone that may drift into my life in the future, but I want to be taught the good bits and the bad bits. Magazines are written by women most of the time, women can’t tell me what men want and I don’t care what they say, it’s the man you’re currently in bed with who is the master of his own pleasure. Let me in, let me see your ‘wank bank’, tell me your hottest memory, your longest standing lover, what it was that worked, what didn’t. Too many men are afraid that women judge, but I want to learn, not criticise, I want to be the woman one day a man will remember as one of the best he had.